Rain & Salt

This was my thought tonight as I walked around my home naked searching under couch cushions and raiding my bathroom cabinet for a hair tie so I could take a shower. I didn’t really think about ADHD until I dated a guy explained that he had it. I was nineteen and had little understanding of ADHD other than what pop culture made it out to be; your classic spaz kid who wouldn’t shut up or sit still in class. In the last ten years, I have dated several men with ADHD. Somehow, we are drawn to one another; likely because we mirror behaviors.

I never wanted to take any psych meds when I was in high school. I wanted to enter the military, and back then, it was a red flag if you attempted to join when you had a history of mental health problems. So, I avoided therapy, drugs, and tattoos. I struggled as a student to pay attention to presentations, and always did better in classes that required reading, rather than trying to retain lectures. I couldn’t go back and re-listen to the lecture, when my mind bounced off to another subject. When reading a book, I could simply reread when my mind wandered. I never really thought it meant that there was something wrong with the way I think or that I may even have ADHD.. I just thought it was a learning preference. I certainly never thought that I would be considered ADHD. I was not wired… I was reclusive if anything. I did have trouble staying still but I wasn’t bouncing off of the walls. I never suspected that I could have ADHD.

As I have gotten older, and dated more, I have always seemed to have found more commonality with men that have ADHD. In my last most serious relationship, a lot of our problems, he blamed on his ADHD. I wanted to understand him, so I spent a lot of time reading about it.. and then began reading more specifically about women and ADHD.

What I found was that things that I thought were my own personality traits, were actually symptoms of ADHD. I learned that there are three types of ADHD: inattentive, hyperactive, or sometimes it can be combined. Hyperactive is the one that seems to be what most people, including myself think of when we talk about ADHD. They are hyperactive, and impatient. I learned that men are more likely to be hyperactive. Inattentive ADHD is more common in women, and commonly they have issues with organization, and listening.

There were so many things that began to make sense. I craved so badly to be organized, to be tidy- I wanted to have all of my colored pencils in rainbow order in elementary school, but could never manage to keep them perfect. In high school, each year I would swear to myself that I would be the epitome of organization and would buy expensive binders with tons of tabs, or even one year I had purchased 6 binders- one for each class so that all of my paperwork wouldn’t mix.. Eventually I got back down to one binder, and a backpack full of loose paperwork.

I couldn’t understand why I was unable to stay organized. It would frustrate me, and I would go through binges where I forced myself to throw stuff away, I would deep clean my backpack, and rewrite my notes, and commit again, just to fail again. As an adult, my symptoms followed me. I read books about self help, listened to podcasts, and asked managers for advice on staying organized, but always reverted back to my fleeting mind. I never had time to make my bed, I would grocery shop, and forget what I purchased and find it rotten weeks later, I would have important meetings that I would set alarms for, hit snooze and end up showing up late. Finally, after meeting many people in my life journey, and reflecting on my own behaviors in combination of researching women with ADHD, I realized that I have it.

I am on my journey to getting medication for my ADHD, and continue to try and build routines, and stay organized. I struggle. Women are severely underdiagnosed for ADHD because our symptoms are usually also associated with anxiety, and depression. We are often overwhelmed, and tired, and stressed. I am always forgetting where I placed something, I look for my keys, and phone every day multiple times. I will leave an important document at work on a desk in another office because I get distracted by something else that requires my attention. I have a hard time focusing in on tasks, because another one crosses my mind and I impulsively move to do that first. I have multiple planners and calendars and notebooks to organize myself- but use them for a short period of time and then either lose them or forget to address it as previously planned.

I hate going to the grocery store, it overwhelms me.. So I order out way too often. I always forget something. I try to stay caught up on my laundry, but I forget that I have a load sitting in the washer because I started to clean the rest of my house. I have two erase boards in my house with goals, and to-do lists, and grocery lists. I have notebooks where I write down things to do.. I live constantly trying to stay organized and focused, and it takes so much energy to feel like I am getting everything taken care of that I need to. I just thought it was my personality, but it is ADHD.

Mental health isn’t a dirty word. Sometimes what we think are personality traits aren’t personality traits. I have depression, anxiety, and ADHD. I thought that when I stayed in bed for entire weekends, it was just a personality trait- I am lazy. I thought that all people have a hard time listening, and that it was normal that when somebody spoke of one thing, that it was natural to think of other things related to that subject. I thought that when I would think about every possible scenario that may happen on a date was just me being an over thinker, not anxiety. I thought that my inability to connect with people was because I had a difficult personality to understand. The truth is, my mental health has never fully been in check, and I have probably burned so many bridges because of the lack of control I have had in my untreated depression, anxiety and ADHD. I can’t help but wonder where I would be if I had discovered this sooner. I am looking forward to finally finding a medication that helps me refocus my life, and filling that last missing piece to finally getting my mental health on track.

Here are a few of the sites I found helpful in understanding ADHD in women:

https://www.verywellmind.com/add-symptoms-in-women-20394

https://www.verywellhealth.com/adhd-in-women-common-signs-and-symptoms-5211604

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4195638/