Rain & Salt

I guess the hardest part of self care is recognizing when it is needed, and what is needed at the time. Today, I woke up, and did not want to get out of bed. My antidepressants seem to have plateaued, in the past week or so.. Getting out of bed has been hard again. I forced myself up, and took my meds. My body just felt so heavy, and my head was pulsing with an annoying pain.

I decided to lay back down, even though I had created a “to do” list prior to going to bed last night. I slept until 1:00. I hadn’t done that in a while. I woke up and tried to focus in on my body- do I feel sick? No. Do I feel hot? No.. My head still kind of hurts, but mentally I feel much better.. I swung my legs out of bed, but my whole body felt so heavy when I stood that I sat back down immediately.

I finally agreed with my body that I was not feeling well enough to get to my list. I ordered breakfast to be delivered and settled in my bed for some Netflix documentaries.

Today, I accomplished nothing. I laid in bed, I cuddled with my dogs, and ate unhealthy food. I think my body is reeling from my tattoo session yesterday. 6 hours of a needle continuously pounding my spine was pretty traumatic. Other areas of my body have a better pain tolerance, but I sat and grimaced and tensed through the pain for hours. The session took a lot out of me. I felt great right after we finished though, I didn’t expect to pay for it today.

I guess where I was going with this is, I have been so focused on being task oriented; forcing myself out of the house, and completing projects, getting my nails done, tanning, and wearing nice outfits, and cleaning my home, making my bed… at some point I had determined that this how I defined my self care. I was yanking my damn self out of depression because I was so busy and organized and put together. Today, I realized how out of touch I can be with my body. I need to stop pushing myself so hard and go with the flow. This does not make me lazy, or depressed. I am giving myself grace to be imperfect. I deserve a slow day. & so do the rest of you people out there just trying to find balance like me.